"The Ballad of Burnin' Vernon"—Crooked Timber

The Ballad of Burnin' Vernon

(Music and lyrics by Scott Ryan)

Among the great religious sites
Where acts of faith are done
Stands the town of Niles, Ohio,
Where, in nineteen eighty-one,
A little church on Third Street
Rose to national renown
When their Elder, Vernon Cayten,
Burned the Easter Bunny down.

It wasn't Vernon's purpose
Just to get on people's nerves,
But to claim for Jesus Christ
The sole attention He deserves;
His audience would be chastened
And convicted of their sin
And thereby rendered of a mind to do
The Easter Bunny in.

          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down,
          Jehovah's ancient rival
          Would be driven out of town;
          The very stones would cry out
          And the circling hills resound
          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down.

The first thing Vernon's
Holiday observance would require
Was a five-foot Easter Bunny,
Which he planned to set on fire.
The second was some matches
To deploy upon the scene,
And the third was but a humble
Little can of gasoline.

His loyal congregation
Put their shoulders to the task
And accomplished it as faithfully
And well as he could ask;
The needful things were gathered up
As Easter Day grew nigh,
And they went to put the word out
That the rabbit had to die.

          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down,
          The people came, if not from miles,
          At least from yards around;
          The lawn outside the little church
          Was, briefly, holy ground
          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down.

As the hour of truth approached
The people gathered in the street,
But Vernon somehow sensed that
Their support was incomplete;
In part it's what they didn't say,
In part it's what they said,
And in part it's all the Easter eggs
That broke on Vernon's head.

So, declaiming at the table
Where would soon be sacrificed
The pretender Peter Cottontail,
That false and pagan Christ,
He told his stunned observers
Just how badly they had sinned,
Tossed a match, and set that heathen rabbit
Rising on the wind.

          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down,
          He was white until, miraculously,
          Vernon turned him brown—
          And the cleansing smoke of righteousness
          Was smelt throughout the town
          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down.

Now laughter may come naturally,
But who of us can say
How many came to Jesus
On that fateful Easter Day?
The Lord's ways are mysterious,
And Christians know it's true
That sometimes it's just amazing
What a little fire can do.

          And on the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down,
          Just like his Savior, Vernon
          Got to wear a thorny crown:
          He was fined for burning trash
          Without a permit from the town
          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down—

          On the day that Burnin' Vernon
          Burned the Easter Bunny down.

But persecution drove him not
From this his righteous cause:
His faith yet undisturbed,
He turned his thoughts to Santa Claus . . .